Dieser Blog schmeckt sau nich wie Pommes...
Tumblr hat zu wenig Coldmirror...
Ich habe vor das zu ändern!
Ich weiß er ist fett und haarig, aber Hagrid ist das auch und ihn mögen alle… Du musst einfach lernen meine Entscheidungen zu akzeptieren!
(Sorry, falls manche Übersetzungen das Original nicht so treffen.
Und ja, ich konnte nicht schlafen und musste irgendwas tun.)
Malfoy: So it’s true – the rumor I heard on the train – Harry Potter is now in Hogwarts… this is Crappy, and that is Goyle… and I am Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. Oh, you think my name is funny.
Malfoy: If you wanted to hurt my feelings then you just did it! Okay-? (to Harry) You will see, some wizard families are better than others, Potter, and have no parents who are siblings. Come on, let’s found a super happy big family!
Harry: Then in my opinion you are the woman, okay?
Malfoy: Yeah… hrrr
McGonagall: Step aside, you poof… So, now you’re gonna be distributed to your houses. Follow me into the Great Hall!
Someone: Oh gee, I love Hogwarts!
Hermione: I’m lesbian, are you also lesbian?
Girl: Uhm, no.
McGonagall: No, no, no kids, stop here. Here is the member area. You can only enter if you have a backstage pass for Fresh Dumbledore.
Hagrid: I got one!
McGonagall: He insisted on greeting you with a freestyle rap…
Fresh D: Yo, yo, yo… what’s up you nigger kids, ey you stink as if a cow shits, like real cow crap, makes my nose want to snap, ey yo, ey yo… ey that’s my homie Filch, yo, the old fussy, beneath that’s his fat pussy, which is sometimes his spouse. He fucks her in the ass, he fucks her in the mouth, that keeps the pussy healthy. Yo!
McGonagall: That’s it, unfortunately…
Someone: I hate Dumbledore!
McGonagall: Now you’re gonna be sorted into the houses by this old stinky hat. I will call you by name in a non-alphabetical order. Hermione Granger-
Hermione: Uargh… the old cunt called my name…
Ron: Do you reckon Hermione is into McGonagall?
Sorting Hat: Oh, you’re lesbian, huh? And you use dildos? Alright, I put you into Gryffindor!
Gryffindors: Yeah!!! We got the lesbian! We got the lesbian!
McGonagall: Draco Malfoy!
Malfoy: Oh, finally my turn! I’ve been waiting for soooo long…
Sorting Hat: Gay!
Ron: All gays go to Slytherin, and all Slytherins are eeeevil.
McGonagall: Unimportant minor character?
Girl: Well, that’s me then…
Harry: …she even looks unimportant… (looking at Snape - ouch) huh? Argh!
Ron: Harry! What’s going on?
Harry: Nothing… nothing.
Sorting Hat: Unimportant minor characters and background actors go to Hufflepuff!
Someone: I hate Hufflepuff!
McGonagall: Ronald Weasley!
Ron: Ohhh, now it’s my turn…. I hope I win something. I’ve never won anything…
Sorting Hat: Huh! Oh gee, I would really like to read your thoughts - but you don’t even have any! My goodness, I put you into Gryffindor!
McGonagall: Harry Potter-
Harry: You know what I don’t get, folks? Why do you always start whispering my name? You’re supposed to know me by now!
Sorting Hat: You’re a tricky one, boy. I can’t categorize you at all. You’re somehow not gay and somehow not lesbian, and I have no clue about whatever’s in between… but you once watched gay porn and jerked off with it…
Harry: I’m not gay! I liked the soundtrack…
Sorting Hat: Not gay? Are you totally sure? But where do I put you then? You’re no background actor, no gay, no lesbian, and you’ve never had something with a girl. And well, you stare at other boy’s asses, so I’m not quite sure… maybe Slytherin would be a good place for you.
Harry: I’m not gay!
Sorting Hat: Okay, then Gryffindor!
Gryffindors: We got Potter! We got Potter!
Harry: Hello. Hello… hello… (shaking hands)
Fresh D: Yo! (raising his glass)
Harry: Wow! Fresh Dumbledore nodded at me! Best day of my life! Ha!
McGonagall: Kids, shut your gobs!
Someone: But we’re not saying anything!
Fresh D: Yo! Let’s have a big fat meal!
Harry: Ron, you’re grunting again!
Seamus: You’re sitting next to me, and you are sitting next to me. I like you, and I like you! We’ll be best friends for sure!
Harry: Uhm, Percy? Who is that dude with the long black hair-
Snape: What did you say?
Harry: -what’s his name?
Percy: Professor Snape. He teaches potion making, but he’s actually going for Quirrell’s ass – uhm – job!
Ron: What do I take now… mhmm more chicken wings hehehe. Whoa!
Nick: You think that’s chicken what you’re eating? You thought wrong!
Percy: Uhm, why? What is it then?
Nick: That is human meat. To be specific: My meat!
Ron: What? If these aren’t chicken wings, what are they, then?
Nick: I’ve just said it, you idiot! You’re eating my meat!
Hermione: If I’ve just had your penis then I will puke on Harry’s lap!
Harry: Why me?
Nick: That was my penis.
Hermione: Oh my god….
Hermione: Oh, these wankers…
Harry: Now, come on, Ron!
Ron: This castle is definitely too big. If we walked slowly the movie would be over by now… Wow! This isn’t only a cat – it’s a transformer!
McGonagall: No, I’m a wizard, just like you, Mr. Weasley. And could Mr. Potter please finally close his mouth? Thanks. Why are you late?
Harry: We didn’t find today’s door of the advent calender.
McGonagall: It’s July.
Harry: Ah, that’s why we didn’t find it.
McGonagall: Be sure to be on time. You don’t need to wank off your morning boners every time.
Harry: How does she know?
Ron: I don’t even wanna think about it.
Snape: There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class.
Someone: What? There will be none of that? I’m in the wrong course!!! Wahhhhh!!! (window smashing sounds)
Snape: The few chosen people amongst you who possess a certain talent will learn how to (censored) and in the meantime (censored) with a (censored) and then (censored censored) the whole evening in (censored) and then really hard (censored censored) and all that without any lubricant.
Malfoy: Oh, how cool!
Snape: Yet, some think they are not in need of –
Harry: …this is the house of Santa Claus…
Snape: - following my lesson.
Hermione: Pay attention, motherfucker!
Harry: Oh, hehe.
Snape: Mr. Potter. Our new - celebrity.
Harry: What does he want from me?
Snape: Who has the leading part in the movie ‘Little Boy But Already Bonked Pt. 37’?
Hermione: Oh, me! I-… I…
Snape: No idea? Next try: where would you look if you had to purchase an inferno dildo?
Hermione: Oh, I know it! I know it!
Harry: I really don’t know.
Ron: Mhm… I don’t know exactly either…
Harry: Why don’t you ask Hermione?
Snape: I never take girls.
Malfoy: Ah, just like me!
Harry: Where the heck did I end up?
Seamus: Watch out, Neville… I’ll put a spell on you now! Abra Kadabra Simsalabim … didn’t work… Hasta la vista, baby…
Harry: What is that dude trying to do, actually?
Ron: I’m not totally sure but I think he’s trying to kill Neville. Maybe-
Seamus: …Avada Kedavra!
Someone: Cool, is Neville dead now?
Hermione: According to the smell… yes.
Ron: Oh, shit, war! (bomb sounds while owls are dropping the mail and packages)
Harry: May I have the newspaper?
Ron: Yeah, I don’t understand it anyway.
Neville: Huh, what is that?
Dean: Oh gee, Neville is still alive…
Hermione: I’ve seen that before. It’s a plastic ball from a Kellogg’s package, Motherfucker!
Neville: Yeah… but why does my grandma send me such a bullshit?
Hermione: Because you are bullshit!
Harry: Hey, take look at the lonely heart’s ads… Listen: “Shy little kitty with poodle hair looking for a sensitive man to share romantic hours. Everybody thinks I’m a lesbian but that’s wrong. Signed H.G.” Fucking pathetic, isn’t it?
Hermione: Yeah… pathetic…
Madam Hooch: Hello, children!
Everybody: Hello, Madam Hooch!
Madam Hooch: Hello Amanda, hello…
Somebody: Who the hell is Amanda?
Somebody else: Don’t know either…
Madam Hooch: Welcome to your first Quidditch lesson. Stand left to the broom, raise your right hand and say ‘up!’ For left-handed people it’s the other way round.
Hermione: Since when are you left-handed?
Malfoy: Up! Oh, this is how a broom fucks me… (?)
Ron: Up. Up! Uuuuup!
Madam Hooch: Hurry up!
Hermione: Up… uuup, uuuuuup! I said up!
Ron: UP! Oh, I think the broom has rammed my nose into my brain!
Harry: Oh, hehe. Now you will have to die!
Ron: Shut your-
Madam Hooch: So, now, let’s see if you can handle it! Sit onto your brooms and jam the sticks between your ass cheeks! Some of you might already have experience with that. Don’t be so prude! This will happen to you many more times in this school. Alright. When I whistle you will push yourself off the ground and fly away! One, two-… Why does only Neville fly? didn’t I say you all should fly?
Neville: I don’t know either…
Madame Hooch: Hey, where are you flying, you idiot??? Stop!
Madame Hooch: Out of the way!
Someone: Cool, is Neville dead now?
Madame Hooch: Awww, did you fall, kid?
Someone: Urgh, he’s still alive.
Madame Hooch: Oh dear, a broken hand.
Malfoy: Oh, a ball from a Kellogg’s package! Made of plastic!
Madame Hooch: While I bring Neville to the hospital wing every one of you stays on the ground. Don’t you dare to fly! If you fly I will get my pump gun and shoot you down!
Malfoy: Ah, look what I found! A ball! Made of plastic! Cool!
Ron: What happened then?
Harry: Well, I took the ball away from Malfoy and now it’s mine!
Ron: Ah, that’s why you’re fumbling in your pants during lesson.
Harry: Yes. With the ball…
Ron: Harry, what is that?
Harry: No idea!
Ron: Hermione, what is that?
Hermione: In case you haven’t noticed, you wanker, this is a magical place and therefore moving stairs are normal!
Harry: Uhm, I don’t know where we are - but let’s just go this way.
Hermione: I don’t even know why I’m going with you…
Ron: Here it smells like at home!
Hermione: At your home it smells like cat piss?
Ron: Yes, but also like other kinds of piss.
Hermione: You can distinguish different kinds of piss?
Ron: Uhm. Yeah.
Ron: I’m scared of cats!!!
Hermione: I’m scared of cats!!!
Harry: I’m scared of cats!!! Oh god, oh god… it doesn’t open!
Ron: The cat wants to be caressed for sure!
Hermione: Step aside! Alohomora! Quick!
Ron: I’m profoundly allergic to cats!
Hermione: Do you know what happens when cat hair gets in contact with my skin? It’s like hell!
Filch: Did you detect somebody, my little pussy?
Mrs. Norris: No. Give me Whiskas!
Filch: Bah! Again 2€? How should I afford this? Damn Women…
Ron: My goodness, I hate pussies!
Hermione: So do I!
Harry: Wow, I’m seeing double! Six heads! … Good thing that the rotten old door held the dog back.
Ron: I don’t know what’s worse, the dog or the cat…
Hermione: For me it’s definitely the cat. The hair sticks to your clothes forever!
Ron: But, I mean… the dog also was quite… I mean… he had three heads – I think that’s really paranormal!
Hermione: You don’t even know what paranormal means!
Ron: Uhm, I do!
Harry: Listen! If Ron says that he knows it then he knows it, okay?
Hermione: Yeah, sure! He doesn’t even know what “Isopropylprophemirbarviktosaurusvenolvetülaminürophazolon” is. And that’s really something everybody knows. He can’t even spread butter on bread! I don’t wanna have anything to do with you anymore! Motherfuckers!
Ron: I bet by tomorrow she’s hanging around with us again.
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